I can’t believe that I’m finally writing this…
I’m a private person when it comes down to things like this. I must admit, it was pretty tough staying quiet about it.
This year has been something. I tell you, there were many ups and downs.
One thing that was really significant was what happened in my love life.
Only those who are the closest to me already know what happened.
I kept this under the table because of the insecurities within myself. Being afraid of judgement, ridicule, and disappointment is a trip…
I was afraid to go back to my old church in Greensboro because of this. (To be honest, this was part of the reason I came back to Charlotte).
But I’m done stalling…
If you didn’t know, this year I was dealing with a separation and divorce.
There, I said it!
It has been tough! It wasn’t something I wanted either.
Through this, I learned that getting married doesn’t erase your insecurities. Shoot, I thought getting married was the end of the heartbreaks, the loneliness and new breakups. I seriously thought that getting married guaranteed that my relationship woes were over. WRONG! WRONG!
Now with thinking about this, I got into it for the wrong reasons.
As you notice, I can’t really point the blame at anyone. It doesn’t matter who did more wrongdoing.
For the record, I really wish the best for her…
It just didn’t work out. We wanted different things in our lives. We just couldn’t mesh.
We tried pretty much everything…
I did what all I could do on my end. When I saw that it was definitely done, I was like “Fuck it! This is not the worse thing that could happen in my life. There is life after this!”
I think sometimes:
“Maybe, I rushed it.”
“Jay, you should have did XYZ first!”
“I suck at love. I could have been a lot better…”
But not to beat myself up too much. I look on the bright side of things too:
- At least I learned at an early age instead of 10 or 20 years down the line.
- At least no children were involved.
- If this event didn’t happen, I probably wouldn’t have even thought about starting That’s Dope Media.
- I now know what I will deal with and what I won’t deal with.
- I learned to stop worrying so much about love, it will all fall into place.
- I also learned to stop settling and live life!
You wouldn’t believe how many late nights I spent crying, praying, fussing, etc about this.
The thoughts would haunt me. The guilt would try to overtake me. It wasn’t until I realized that “All things work together for those that love HIM.” (Romans 8:28).
This was all a big life lesson!
I learned a lot about people and I really learned a lot about myself. Through it all, I thank God! Seriously for opening my eyes.
I seriously thought this post was going to be longer lol.
- Jay The Analyst
P.S. She’s still a dope ass makeup artist tho! lol